WHITE HOST

[Voice;]

It seems everyone is getting ready for a party. A homecoming ball, as you call it. I have never heard of such an occassion, but it doesn't even take omniscience to figure out what you are all going on about. As a host of many parties, I have decided to generously educate you all on proper etiquette during an occasion such as this.. If you do not follow it, that is your choice. Just know you will be turning down advice from an immortal, regularly omniscient, extraterrestrial, charismatic and fathomless being.

And yes I am all of those, so lets not get into questioning how I am not. Do pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.

First: Learn to ballroom dance. Men and Ladies. You're not going to impress anyone flailing around like a blithering baffoon and it'll be an embarrassment to yourself and, more importantly, everyone else around you. Causing second hand embarassment does not make good manners.

Second: Keep your so-called "sloppy makeouts" out of sight. No one wants to see them. Not even the people without eyes would want to see them.

Third: Wear a suit. Bowties are always in style. If you aren't going to go in style, don't go at all. Again, second hand embarrassment.

Fourth: Know how to ask for a dance, both ladies and men. Don't just grab someone and toss them around the dance floor. "Will you honor me with a dance?" or "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you." Just anything that isn't garbage talk.

And finally, directed toward the ladies specifically: Don't waste your time on a man acting improperly. [A rather exaggerated sigh.] Some men really do not know how to act courteous and gentlemanly.

Well, that is the basics of what I have to say. Have fun at your dance on Friday. Know that you really should take my education into thought as you go to this Homecoming. It is not often I give it so publically and graciously, but I am always a most excellent host.

[Phone; Filtered to the Homestuck cast (yes he knows who you all are)]

Delightful news, everyone! Yes that means everyone, Humans, Alternians and even that one lonesome Derse. I was returned my scrapbook of visual paradox space events. Do any of you wish to see pictures from back home by any chance? I have plenty to share in this quite large book and all of you are in it!

[Phone; Open]

Humans, or any creature from any sort of Earth planet, please lend me your ears. What precisely do you all engage in during this season of summer? The dominate planet containing life in my dimension never really had such a scorching hot season. If it did it was a time of fear and danger, as the dominate species is quite nocturnal and sleep during the daytime. Color me curious for answers.

[Phone;]

I must say, for the first time I've ever been part of one of these random occurences of the town deciding to be exceptionally cruel, it seems that the cruelty is coming more from the people in the town than the ones who control it. The people being of course you, whoever you are listening in on this. How many times have people said 'killing is wrong' and 'this is a clear and obvious trap' now, I'm starting to lose count. Why can't people say more cheerful things, like how nice the weather is or that half of the town isn't dead yet.

Or is half the town dead? I doubt you're keeping count, being too busy either hiding in your home or slaughtering others, claiming you did in self-defense, but really who believes you? For then record, I believe you.

Overall I give this a 4 out of 10. I expected a lot more out of a town that apparently tortures us. Really, making others do your own dirty work? Your own prisoners at that. You aren't being very gracious hosts. After I went through all the trouble of filling out that census, hoping for something more shocking. Maybe I'm just getting too old to be exceptionally horrified that people kill other people. Ground breaking news. Next time we'll learn that the color of Earth's sky is blue and that most humans have a lifespan averaged on about 70 to 80 years. Haa Haa.

Keep up in good spirits everyone, there is nothing to fear but fear itself and let me prematurely insert any empty morality filled speech here. You can fill in the blanks, right?

[Phone; Filtered to Touko Aozaki]

You said you were a seamstress once. I have a job for you and I promise upfront compensation for your efforts.

[Phone; Filtered to Charles Fei-Ong]

Good day Charles. Don't try to think how I got your number or that I know you live at 767 Bunker Street, it isn't important. What is important is that I drew you as my next target. I hope you won't be offended if I come over and kill you. Or maybe you will kill me. My omniscience isn't working as well as it should be, so nothing is really certain. Don't take it personally - your luck just didn't come out well on this particular occasion.

If you want to take it personally that's fine too.